By BOB WIRE
My dog Houdini, a delightful medley of Dachshund, Corgi, and Rottweiler (don’t ask), is sauntering around the yard today with a newfound swagger. Head held high, tail erect, by god, I think he’s actually strutting. Well, as much as you can strut when your legs look like chicken drumsticks.
Oh, I know what is—it’s the new collar.
His black, pebbled leather strap is accented with heavy chrome and a silver plate that bears the signature of Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison and erstwhile star in the reality TV universe.
That’s right, Bret Michaels has his own line of dog collars. And toys. And pet accessories. Pets Rock™ items are available exclusively at PetSmart, and presumably at “Best of the 80s” swap meets at drive-ins everywhere.
Houdini’s collar is so understated and masculine that I didn’t even notice the Bret Michaels branding until we got home from buying it.
When we came into the house Houdini was wearing a wide bandana wrapped around his forehead, which may or may not be hiding a bald spot. I was surprised the collar had that effect on the mutt. I mean, he’d always been more of a Faster Pussycat fan.
If a has-been hair-band metal head whose latest claim to fame is collecting competitive blowjobs on VH1’s Rock of Love can make a pile of money with a seemingly random startup, why can’t other rock stars cash in with similar marketing schemes?
Rick James, for example, seems like the perfect fit for a ganja-infused line of catnip. (Yes, he’s dead, but why can’t his estate cash in on his image? Seems to be working for Hendrix.) Kitty Krack™ could be sold in dime bags, maybe packaged with dreadlock beads and a glittered cape. Bring home some Kitty Krack™ today for your feline super freak! It’s like catnip, only for cats! Now with Angel Dust®.
Thanks to his new Bret Michaels dog collar, Houdini now just waits for the groupies to come to him.
Of course, recreational drug use is not the only thing rockers are known for, but let’s face it—it’s a pretty big field. The only limits to endorsement possibilities are the imaginations of desperate and tasteless marketing hacks with no moral compass. Like me.
Is your Jack Russell too jacked up? Is your Pekinese too perky? Why not level that pooch out with a heaping bowl of Keith Richards Smack Attack™ kibbles?
Chock-full of the finest opiates available from the Golden Triangle, Smack Attack™ will put the nod to the most aggressive and nervous of dogs. Soak a bowlful in Jack Daniels and your pet will love the feeling of being wrapped in a big warm blanket while he lies in a stupor on the kitchen floor, drooling on the Pergo, and releasing his bowels. Try the China White®!
As any groupie will tell you, some rockers are legendary for much more than their musical prowess. You’ll leave no doubt about your dog’s hidden charms when you treat him to the Tommy Lee line of dried bull and horse penises. These foot-long bone substitutes will have Bowser licking his lips like Pamela Anderson on a speedboat. Your dog will be begging for it like Heather Locklear at the Chateau Marmont! Ask for it by name: Tommy Lee’s Dick Jerky™.
And let’s don’t limit this to just pet products. Speaking of sex, surely you remember Sting’s boasts of using tantric yoga to fuel lovemaking sessions of ten hours or more. What better product to avoid interrupting the rhythm of your sexual marathon than Sting’s Every Breath You Take™ Swiss Army Condom? I don’t believe I have to paint that particular picture for you.
And let’s not forget Tommy Lee’s band mate from Mötley Crüe. Say hello to Vince Neil’s Professional Driving School. And prog-rock fans with a loose grip on reality might feel comfortably numb by checking into the Syd Barrett Center for Mental Health and Wellness. Is somebody writing these down? I have the million-dollar ideas, but no time to follow them up! John Mayer Custom Douche Nozzles. Bo Diddly’s Check Cashing Shacks. The Chuck Berry Bathroom-Cam™. Chrissie Hynde Nut Wax. The Amy Winehouse Folding Irony Board (comes with a download card for “Rehab”).
How about a chain of 24-hour convenience stores that specialize in ham and leftovers called Steven Tyler’s Mouth (“We Never Close!”)? On the way out, you can pick up a box of Jack White’s Raisin Band Crunch™ (“Start a New Band Every Morning!”), or perhaps a big jar of Iggy Pop Face Cream (“Now With Even More Gravel!”).
Obviously, the possibilities are endless (and not all particularly funny). But if my rockin’ rez dog Houdini has anything to say about it, Bret Michaels and his Pets Rock brand are the greatest thing since a three-way butt sniff.
Now it’s time for his walk, and we’ll be using the Pets Rock brand poop bags: Every Load Has Its Corn™.
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Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.
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Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.
Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.
You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.