By W.T. FUCHS
From Pajama Jeans to problem solving solutions that fix bra straps, and lift earlobes, the advent of “As Seen on TV” products is mystifying, if not completely disturbing.
Need I name something other than “Forever Lazy?”
This fuzzy, amorphic adult “onesie” now being furiously peddled on TV, is nothing if not embarrassing. Yet it’s being plucked up by the hundreds of thousands by hoards of couch-dwelling sloths.
I’m convinced it will be the tipping point of humanity – single-handedly responsible for the decline of Western civilization.
Frankly, the Forever Lazy makes Pajama Jeans’ look like they slid off the runways of Paris or Milan, with last year’s John Deere Snuggie a positively chic garment by comparison.
And at least you have to zip out of the Snuggie to take a dump.
Forever Lazy has a convenient trap door – presumably for five-day binges of Mad Dog 20/20, or for serial killers wanting to hide bodies until they start to stink.
Didn’t we all think the female astronaut from NASA was insane for donning an adult diaper to drive cross-country to murder her nemesis?
And haven’t we learned anything from TLC’s “Obese and Pregnant?” Yeah, that’s right, you can practically hide the passengers of a clown car in this getup.
Forever Lazy commercials are no better, and offer some of the most implausible scenarios going: A group of ostensibly sane grown men and women at a college tailgate, and a dad leaping off the couch (if one can leap in a giant jumpsuit made of 10 yards of fleece) to challenge his kid to a rousing game of Dance Revolution.
Really? Really?
If tailgates are implausible scenarios, how about these:
Kumbaya corporate retreats in Forever Lazy.
Forever Lazy trap-door swingers gatherings.
Or, Forever Lazy hot yoga….
“Svetlana, I don’t think he’s breathing – he’s all red.”
“Wow, come to think of it, I never actually saw him come out of Sleeping Child pose.”
“Namaste, everyone.”
Since when did we slip down this far as a nation?
The answer is simple. One only need step into a time machine to travel back to 1982 to source the momentum of this slide:
The Chia Pet. That adorable, innocuous little ceramic sheep, with its novel sprouts-for-fleece coat.
Who knew it would become our society’s Trojan horse?
As 2012 dawns, and our economy limps into an election year, there was just no better time for soullessness to intersect politics…with the “Proud to Be American” Chia Series.
Yeah.
Imagine the patriotism I felt once the Web page opened: Our very own incumbent president – Barack Obama – with his imperfect record, and his leafy green Afro poised next to some of our country’s greatest presidents.
Chia Lincoln and Chia Washington.
I could almost swear that Chia Lady Liberty had a perma-smirk on her face, as she looked on from the background.
I’ve never had the desire to go to Mount Rushmore, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before some crazy jackhole with too much time on his hands will eventually try weaving the leaves from Lincoln’s beard into Washington’s bob, and forge his own window-sill freak show.
Chia Mount Rushmore.
Hail to the cha-cha-cha-CHIEFS. Goodbye, America.