By BOB WIRE
Zero words.
Used to be just the blank page would mock you when you were out of ideas. Now it’s the word count tag.
[24 words]
You think it’s a cakewalk, coming up with a new topic to write a thousand words about every week? And not be about farts? No, it is not a cakewalk. Not that Missoula isn’t rife with material that needs to be held up to the light for inspection, discussion, and ultimately, ridicule. In a town so full of creative wackos, local characters and just plain crackpots, I don’t have to look far to find a suitable subject to use as a springboard to laughter.
[110 words]
But sometimes no matter how many times I drop the bucket down the well, it just comes up empty. Seems I’ve either already written about it at some point over the course of one thousand or so columns, or it’s not a subject that currently appeals to me. The whole thing about Missoula trying to buy the water company? I’m finding it hard to get worked up about it. I’m sure I could dig in and absorb enough facts about the issue that I would have to come down on one side of the question or the other. But, really, I just don’t care. As long as water keeps coming out of the spigot, just tell me where to send the check every month. I can only assume that the cost will gradually increase, and some lawyers somewhere are getting fat hog rich over all the posturing and gamesmanship.
[261 words]
Start writing, or I will taunt you a second time.
What’s going on in Missoula right now that’s exciting? Another string band coming to town? Yippee skippy. I know I’m not making friends when I say this, but ten minutes of bluegrass is enough to last this guy for a year or more. Give me Horton Heat or JD McPherson or Cold Hard Cash, or pretty much any other band that employs a drummer.
To paraphrase Drunk Uncle, yeah I’m cranky! It’s the end of January. I’m tired. I’m broke. I’m emotionally bankrupt. There’s not enough sunlight. We’re out of butter. So many reasons to go down to the bridge and hurl myself into the river.
…and crack my head on the ice. Like most others who scratch out a living in our beautiful valley, I’m feeling the squeeze of Cabin Fever. Complaining does no good for anyone, especially the complainee. Normally I’m able to get out there and have some fun, but it’s been difficult lately on account of reasons I won’t discuss here or on Twitter or on Facebook or anywhere else, you nosy bastard.
[435 words]
So, yeah, I’m somewhat used up and dried out right now, like a lot of women in certain little Italian villages right after the end of WWII. I have some ideas for things to write about it, but if it’s not going to be funny, this isn’t the place for it. I don’t know if anyone reads this column because of its astute, yet bourgeois take on the modern milieu we all share. But I will get stopped on the street so someone can praise my description of farting in an ice shack.
[530 words]
Are you enjoying these low gas prices? Really? Even though it means your grandpa can’t cash in all his Shell stock to retire, and now has to go back to work until he’s 91? Even though it means the Koch Brothers will have to take a jet copter to their shareholders meeting in Tahiti instead of a spaceship? Even if it proves to be the beginning of the biggest financial crash since the dot com bust of the early ’00s? Hell, I like it too. Besides, I don’t know how any of that other stuff works. But if you want to know what kind of drug cocktail Mötley Crüe favored on their Girls Girls Girls tour, let’s go snag a cold one and I’ll tell you all about it.
Seriously, I got nothin’. Some days I just don’t feel funny. Occasionally I’ll be on deadline and have to write something anyway, and I think you can tell I just wasn’t in a funny mood that day. Last time I did that, the blog was optioned for a movie, and they turned it into that raucous comedy from 2013, Twelve Years a Slave.
[724 words]
I’m sure people get tired of reading about my dog Houdini. Likewise, the subject of classic rock is of limited appeal. And the peeks behind the scenes of playing in a local band? I don’t know. I suppose a lot of that stuff falls into the “you had to be there” category.
Living with two busy high schoolers and a dynamic wife makes for a never-ending stream of hilarity at the Wire compound, but I fear too much of this reporting from behind the Fabric Curtain will pigeonhole me as a “daddy blogger.” Also, if these people I live with ever find out that I write a blog, they probably won’t be pleased that I’ve been using them for fodder all these years. My family is the most important thing to me, but my existence encompasses so much more.
If you’re still reading at this point, I am grateful. Let me show my gratitude by asking you for something. An idea. A spark. A topic. A question. Leave a comment below, and by the power of all that is good and crispy, I will blog about it. If your idea sends me off into a fit of writing, and I actually come up with something funny, I will reward you. I’ll send you a Bob Wire CD in the mail. Seriously. Leave a comment below, message me on Facebook, send it through a comment at bobwiremusic.com, tie it to the leg of one of these &$@!#% magpies that congregate outside my bedroom window at 5:30. Whatever it takes. I’m all ears.
Thanks for reading.
[999 words]
Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.
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Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.
Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.
You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.
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