By BOB WIRE
I’ll be taking a few days off to enjoy Christmas and all its attendant weirdness with my family: Rusty, Speaker, and the beautiful and long-suffering Barb. And of course Houdini the purebred Vietnamese Tunneling Hound. I’ll be back next Friday, with some freshly ground bloggage.
In the meantime, I wanted to share with you some information that will help set the record straight about Christmas consumerism.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been listening to the annual griping from everyone from the mall to the local feed & supply store about how Christmas has become “too commercial.”
Say what now? Really? Where you been? Here’s a shocker: the roots of Christmas capitalism can actually be found in the Bible.
That’s right, sinner. Get out that stolen Gideon tome and turn to the Book of Walter, Psalmolive XXX, Directive 14, Subsection C:
“And when the sun has journeyed yea the farthest from our disc-shaped planet, thou shalt go forth unto the Pennys of J.C.; unto the Sears (be they no longer of Roebuck); unto Herbergers (whose name shall beget many puns).”
See? Right there. It says proceed to the mall. To continue:
“Thou shalt then gather many items of questionable utility and takest them to yonder cashier. Yea, tho said cashier may be weary, she will accept thy Visa, they MasterCard, thy Discover, even thy American Express, and render thy card useless and bereft. Woe be unto them who do not save thy receipts, or on the Day of Exchanges and Returns, yon Sales Associate will rise up and smite thee.
“But as thou shoppeth, heed the word of our Father On High when selecting thine offerings. A plague of pestilence will be brought down upon ye who bringeth home the Singing Bass (or Deer or Catfish or any of God’s creatures, which singeth not in real life).
“Nor shall thee maketh an offering of the Frying Pan of Orgreenic, the Happy Napper, the Olde Brooklyn Lantern, or the Pan of thy Perfect Tortilla. Nay, any item As Seeneth On TV shall have no place in thy respectful domecile. Especially thy Cami Secret. (Video’s language is not safe for work or offspring! If thou be easily offended, cast thine eye instead upon thy bard’s Christmas music videos.)
And don’t forget the new slippers for dad!
“Additionally, he who purchaseth thy xylophone or many-cymballed drum kit or other offending instrument for an infant in swaddling clothes shall be banished to the Valley of Perpetual Annoyance so as to learn a lesson.
“Go forth then, yon Christian, to thine own dwelling, and encase these items in gaily colored paper that rippeth easily in the wrong place with the slightest of pressure. Thou shalt then pile these offerings under one of the Lord’s trees, which has been harvested for display in thy dwelling. Then, after the Holy Morning of the 25th, after thine offspring hath uttered the phrase, “Is that all?” thou can rest.
“On the following Sabbath, when thine head art suffering the blades and arrows of partaking in much wine on the last night of the Gregorian Calendar, thou shalt journey with the carcass of the Lord’s tree to the parking lot of Bancroft, near Splash Montana, where thou shalt say a prayer of thanks before laying thy dead tree on the pile with its brethren, some of whom still be festooned with the tinsel of mylar.”
So there you have it. The straight poop from the Good Book. Take heed, brothers and sisters, for the Big Day is coming.
Enjoy this magical time with family and friends, no matter what flavor your spirituality and faith. Remember our time here is short, and treat each other with kindness. And for God’s sake, don’t kill anybody.
Now get thee hence before the Mall closes!
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Check out all of Bob Wire’s posts in his blog archive.
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Think of it as Gonzo meets Hee Haw: Missoula honky tonker Bob Wire holds forth on a unique life filled with music, parenthood, drinking, sports, working, marriage, drinking, and just navigating the twisted wreckage of American culture. Plus occasional grooming tips. Like the best humor, it’s not for everyone. Sometimes silly, sometimes surreal, sometimes savage, Bob Wire demands that you possess a good sense of humor and an open mind.
Bob Wire has written more than 500 humor columns for a regional website over the last five years, and his writing has appeared in the Missoulian, the Missoula Independent, Montana Magazine, and his own Bob Wire Has a Point Blog. He is a prolific songwriter, and has recorded three CDs of original material with his Montana band, the Magnificent Bastards. His previous band, the Fencemenders, was a popular fixture at area clubs. They were voted Best Local Band twice by the Missoula Independent readers poll. Bob was voted the Trail 103.3/Missoulian Entertainer of the Year in 2007.
You can hear his music on his website, or download it at iTunes, Amazon, and other online music providers. Follow @Bob_Wire on Twitter.